Gardening - Reloaded......

I mentioned in the last post that we went to go check out our friends Wayne and Steve's nursery. Now flowers and plants aren't exactly my thing, but I have to say that it was very impressive. 700 acres of greenhouses, giant rows of trees, thousands of rows of flowers; it was huge. They even have two giant lakes that they use for irrigation that have HUGE alligators in them. We must have seen 15 gators spread out in the lakes. Steve was driving us around, showing us all of the different things that they grow there, and anytime Rach saw something she liked, Wayne would jump out and throw it in the back of the truck. Anything she wanted, they just gave it to us.





At the time, all I had going through my head was, 'Wow! This is really too nice of them. They shouldn't do this. This is too much. Rach is gonna be in hog heaven with all of these plants.'





What I SHOULD'VE been thinking was, 'These bastards! Who do they think is going to have to plant all of these? Holes don't dig themselves, you know!'





Well it's been raining here every evening, and Rach has had to work, so by yesterday afternoon, all 9,000 (may be a slight exaggeration, but work with me here) plants were still sitting on the porch. Since Rach was off yesterday,I went home for lunch and we had a nice time together. Good quality time. I went back to work, got off around 4:30, and came home.



Quick side note: Up until about 3 months ago, I played basketball every Wednesday afternoon, and every Saturday morning. Those were my basketball times. About 3 months ago during one of the games, I landed awkwardly and felt my knee pop. I've already had reconstructive surgery on both knees, so another operation and I'd be done. Permanently. So I decided to shut it down for awhile. I've been rehabbing it on my own, doing squats, lunges, cleans, jerks, plyometrics; you name it, and I've done it. I've probably been okay to play for about the past month, but since we've been so busy with the kids, I just kind of forgot about it. Well this past Saturday I decided to give it a go. I played about 6 games, and it felt great. Didn't really hurt Sunday, so I went and played again. And now I've got the itch back. (The basketball itch, all you friends from back home can stop giggling) Anyway, I really wanted to play yesterday afternoon when I got home.





As I pulled into the driveway, I saw Racheal standing outside holding a shovel....Aww, Crap!! This is at about 4:30, and games usually go on from 5:00 to anywhere between 7:00 and 8:00. So I immediately think to myself, 'Alright Jeff, this is gonna take some work, but we can do this. We're gonna have to play this absolutely perfectly if we're gonna have a shot at this. We don't want to mention it right away, but we don't want to wait too long, either. We can't be too anxious to get out of here because that'll piss her off, but we don't want to make it seem like we're too comfortable because she'll make it last all night. Just stay focused, and we'll make it out onto that court.' (Seriously, all of this went through my head in a matter of seconds like I was about to navigate a mine field.)





So I get out, smile on my face, 'Hey sweetie, I'll go change my clothes.' (Oh crap, I think she can see right through me! Gotta tone down the niceness.) I come outside and she points out to me where three of the plants are going to go. I quickly dig the necessary holes. Perfect sized holes. Beautiful holes. Never seen better plant holes than these. We put the soil down, mix it together, straighten the plant, pat the soil, mix it some more, fill it in - Uggh! Just throw the plant in my perfectly dug hole and let's move on!! I didn't say that, just thought it; on the outside I was as cool as a cucumber.





Okay, those holes are done. Where do you want the next one? Crap, she's on the phone. Don't interrupt her. Don't want to make it seem like we're rushing. She'll be all over that. (fake loud whispering while pointing at the shovel) 'Where do you want the next hole?' Nothing. Still talking. I've got to sit through 4 "Alright, I'm out in the yard planting stuff, I'm gonna have to call you back"s before she finally gets off the phone. She was trying, just couldn't get off the phone. Anyway, I dig four more holes, then I catch a break. My neighbor, Shannon, who also plays basketball with us on Wednesday nights, was pulling out of the driveway when he saw me in the yard with a shovel. He drives over, rolls down his window, and makes fun of me for not being able to go play. He makes jokes, asks Rach if I can join him at his (fake quotes) "Men's Group Meeting" that he was attending at World Fitness, to which Rach just laughs and motions to get back to work. Nice. The seed has been planted. Now we just gotta let it grow. (Sorry to make a plant metaphor in my story about plants. It's all I got.)





Now we're having trouble figuring out where the flowers should go. 'Should I put the Hydrangeas over here, or do you think the lace-stem Shtufflebottoms should go there?' (I doubt that Shtufflebottoms are real, but to me, it's all the same) And when it comes to making decisions about plant placement, I'm about as useful as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. (Yes, I'm retarded) So now we get Shannon's wife to come outside and help figure out where to put the rest of the flowers. After much discussion, they figure it out. As I'm digging the newly decided holes, (which were great holes by the way) Tori comes up to me and we have this conversation:





Tori: (whispering) Hey. I'm coming with you.





Me: (Confused, Not knowing how she knew that I was planning my escape) What?





Tori: (still whispering) I'm gonna tell her that I'm coming with you to hit softballs in the batting cage.





Me: (getting flustered) Hey, you're gonna have to broker your own deal! Don't ruin this for me! You're on your own.





Tori: Take me with you!





Me: I'll see what I can do, but I'm not promising anything....





After finishing up the next batch of holes, I see my opportunity. I've got one chance, gotta phrase it correctly, 'Hey baby, I'm done with those holes. You got anymore, because if not, I was gonna go play basketball.'





Rach: (Confused) Wait, you were serious about that?





Me: Yeah, why?





Rach: I thought you weren't ever playing again. You said you retired from basketball.





Me: No, that was just because I hurt my knee. It's all better now. It doesn't hurt anymore.





Rach: Aww, that sucks. (Yeah, that's right. That's what she said.)



Then for about 7 seconds, I stood there, frozen, like a guy standing face to face with a 12 foot grizzly bear. Knowing that at any time the bear could eat him or slash his throat or do something else really gruesome that grizzly bears do to humans, but he just stands there and waits for the bear to make its move.





And Then.......'Alright, you can go, just do one more thing for me.'





Success!! I don't even remember what that one more thing was, I just know that I did it quickly. So I run upstairs, grab my stuff, and go get in the truck. Tori sneaks by, and hops in the truck too, seemingly unnoticed. Just as I'm pulling out of the driveway, I glance over and see Racheal pointing at the truck. I roll down the window and, 'Ehh-Uhh, you can go, but she stays.' I look at Tori and tell her, 'I told you that you were on your own- ' Then Tori called out, 'I'm going to hit softballs!' Then we both get the evil eye, one eyebrow up, lips pursed.... I had half a mind to reach over, open the passenger door, and feed Tori to the gardening wolves, but I just couldn't leave a man behind. And besides, I was already in the truck. What could she possibly do to me at this point? So I yell out the window, 'Love you baby! We'll be back!' As I drive off.





Ahhh, sweet success. We go to the gym, I get to play about 5 good games; good sweat, good runs, no complaints. Other than tired, tired legs. I get home, eager to help out since I got to play basketball, and I got to find out the answer to the 'What could she possibly do to me at this point?' question. The answer is that she can make you stay outside, hanging lattice on fences, lighting tiki torches, installing hooks on the porch for hanging baskets of god knows what, etc, etc, etc. All the way until it got dark. Not just a little dark, I mean dark. Like 9:45 dark.





So just when I thought I was getting one over on her, by using every ounce of manipulation and guile that I could muster up; planning, acting, reacting -- I realize that she was once again working me over like a freakin marionette. She is one beautiful evil genius. When do the kids get home again?