The King-Sized Padded Room........

Do you know the difference between crazy and eccentric? Eccentric people know that they're a little bit off. Crazy people have no idea they're crazy. That's where I think I am right now. I'm like 99.5% sure that I'm not crazy. But there's that 0.5% that makes me feel like I'm having a Leo DiCaprio moment from Shutter Island, and I'm just lying to myself about my sanity.

Now at the same time, I know Racheal is crazy. I know she's crazy like I know the earth is round. I know she's crazy like I know Grey's Anatomy should've ended 4 years ago. I know she's crazy like I know Snooki is orange. But now I'm pretty sure her craziness has worn me down and rubbed off on me. So since I'm pretty sure I lost my sanity, and they say that whenever you lose something, you should retrace your steps to find it, I'm going to retrace the events of tonight in order to try to find my sanity.

(Tonight, 11:00)

Rach, to me: Hey, I don't if you want to do this now or not, but can you change the light bulbs to black lights?

Me: Which light bulbs?

Rach: All of them. Oh, well, I guess you can do it tomorrow.


(Tonight, 10:15)

Me, to Keith: Hey, can you come help me get something out of Racheal's car?

Keith: What is it?

Me: A sink?

Keith: A what?!

Me: I'm pretty sure it's a sink. And an end table. Why? Is that weird?

(Tonight, 9:30 pm)

Rach, to me, on the phone: Hey honey. I need you to come to Big Lots.

Me: What? Are you serious?

Rach: Yes, we bought some stuff that won't fit in my car. And they're closed now. And I need your truck.

Me: You're being serious?

Rach: Yes, honey. Why are you being so weird about this?

Me: So you went to Big Lots, and bought too much stuff....again?

Rach: Are you coming? Or not?

Me: (flabbergasted and speechless on the phone)

(Tonight, 8:45 pm)

Scarlett, to me: Where's mommy?

Me: She went to Big Lots.

Scarlett: What time is she coming back?

Me, kind of to Scarlett, kind of to Keith: Well, they close at 9, so I would guess some time after that---Well, actually, she'll probably come home at 9:15, but she'll end up sending me back out to Big Lots to pick up some furniture or something that wouldn't fit in her car while the old ladies that work there give me dirty looks because I made them stay at work late. (Because that actually happened).

(Tonight, 8:00)

Rach, to Kristin: Oh my God! Is today September 24th?

Kristin: Yeah, I think so.

Rach: Oh crap! C'mon Kristin, let's go! Get your stuff! We gotta go!

Me, thinking that, judging by her reaction, Rach has to go stop an assassination attempt on the president or something: Rach, what is it?!

Rach: I have a coupon to Big Lots that expires today. And if I don't use it now, I'll never be able to. C'mon Kristin. Honey, you got the kids. Love you!


And that's the last thing I remember. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Is Rach crazy? Is Keith crazy? There's only one thing that I know as I sit here being forced to watch the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy....this show definitely should've been canceled 4 years ago. And because I know that, I know I can't be too crazy.

And by the way, I love my wife and all her craziness. If she weren't so crazy, I wouldn't have anything to write about. And I'm not just saying that because I know she can kill me in my sleep.