How do you spell irony? D-I-S-A-P-O-I-N-T.......

Can you use it in a sentence, please? Can I
have the origin of the word? Can I have
the definition? Are there any alternate definitions?
Umm, I gotta be honest. I have no idea how to spell that.

Earlier this year, Cole won his school's spelling bee. And as a fellow nerd, I couldn't be more proud. I tell Cole all the time to embrace his nerdiness, because nerds grow up to get the good jobs and marry the hot chicks. Although Cole's not really a nerd. He doesn't have nearly the nerditude that I did when I was growing up. I was fat, I did quiz bowl competitions, spelling bees, geography bees, and even rode a short bus to the school across town because of their gifted program. So the kids in my neighborhood who saw me get on the short bus thought I was some really dorky smart kid, and the kids at my school who saw me get off the short bus thought I was some really dorky retarded kid. Cole is neither. He's more of a normal kid who happens to be really smart.

Anyway, Cole's spelling bee victory at his school scored him entrance into the regional spelling bee that included all of the local area schools. The top two spellers from about 20 different schools were in the regional competition. So for the whole week leading up to the spelling bee, I kept throwing out words for Cole to spell. And we may have actually created a new game called 'Speed Spelling', because Cole would have to hurry up and spell the word before Scarlett had a chance to chime in. I'm pretty sure that there isn't anything I could do to keep Scarlett from blurting out answers. I could threaten her Barbies, threaten her Little Pet Shop stuff, threaten her life, threaten to make her wear brown, anything. It didn't work. Cole just had to think quicker.

So on the Saturday of the Spelling Bee, I made sure we got there good and early to get signed in and set up and stuff. And as I was pulling into the parking lot, I remember thinking, "Man, this place is PACKED! How many 4th graders are there?" Then as we got inside the building to sign up, I realized that the spelling bee for 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders. Oh crap, I'm going to be here all day. Maybe they're going to lump them all together in one group? Please? Please can you lump them together in one group? No? Damnit! I'm never going home. And of course they let the 1st graders go first and the 4th graders go last. And as I'm confirming this horrible fact by looking at the programs that they were passing out, I notice that they spelled Cole's name wrong. Eole Wolcott. Awesome. There's a keepsake. Only in South Carolina could they misspell your name at a spelling bee.

We make it to our seats to get ready for the 1st graders to begin. 20 minutes after teacher introductions, we finally get the competition started. This shouldn't take too long, right? I mean, they're first graders! Well it wouldn't have taken too long had they not started with words like 'dog' and 'cat' and 'mom' and 'pop'. It was excruciating. One round and one hour later, 32 out of the 32 contestants were still alive. The words eventually got harder, and slowly the spellers began to fall. Never before have I actively rooted for kids to be stupid. Another hour later, it came down to two kids: a blonde headed little girl in a bright pink polka dotted dress and a giant yellow bow in her hair that made it look like she was welcoming soldiers home, and a fat kid with a fake tattoo on his arm that reminded me of myself at that age. So, naturally, I throw my support behind the fat kid. So little Miss Punky Brewster skips up to the microphone, and they give her the word, 'flower'. Flower?! Really?! This girl looks so much like a hippie that her name might be flower. This thing is completely rigged. She, of course, nails it, and now it's fatty's turn. His word; 'hamburger'. I couldn't make this stuff up. And, no big surprise, he nailed it. After a couple more rounds, the hamburglar finally won it with the word, 'medicine'. (Probably a word that he's familiar with due to his early onset of diabetis, a la Wilford Brimley. Just kidding.)

By this time, it's been 2.5 hours, we've only gotten through the first grade, and I'm hungry enough to eat 9 H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. Because of my hunger (and also because I couldn't handle hearing Scarlett tell me that she knows how to spell every word that's called out. She's the smartest person in her class, you know?), I decided to go get something to eat. We ended up going over to Racheal's work because she was making stuffed bell peppers.

(And on a different note, Racheal cooks about like Dr. Dre releases albums. It only happens once every few years, but when it does, it surprises you because it's awesome, then you remember, "Oh yeah, Now I remember how good they are at this." What I'm trying to say, is those bell peppers were Oh-some.)

I spent a little while at Rach's work before going back to the spelling bee. At this point, going back to the spelling bee was like walking the Green Mile. It was really hard for me not to start kicking and screaming and running the other way, but I kept my composure.

Finally, it was time for the 4th graders to start, and Rach met me in the auditorium. As the kids were walking up on stage (Cole was 26th), I found myself sizing them up, and COMPLETELY prejudging them based on looks. I am unbelievably ashamed that I actually had thoughts, "Oh, Cole's definitely smarter than that kid. I mean, look at him, he can't even tie his shoes right." And then all of a sudden, right before they started, I began to get really, really nervous. Like, way more nervous than I've ever been in my entire life. I was very much 'about to puke all over the place' nervous. It's just this overwhelming sense of helplessness as your kid is putting himself out there. I could barely breathe. Then I look over to Scarlett, and she looks at me with this completely serious look. And says, "If Cole wins this, I will be SO jealous!" Confused, I was like, "Jealous? You mean happy for him, right?" And she says, "Nope. I'd be jealous." Could she be more of a diva?

Finally, Cole gets up there, after about 10 people already got knocked out in the first round, and his word is, 'aisle'. What?! A silent letter in the first round?! Come on! So Cole says slowly, "aisle, I-........S-L-E". And I immediately think to myself, "That's a damn word! They never specified which kind of isle!" The orator looked at the judges, then explained that if a word has a homophone and the kid doesn't ask for a definition, then either spelling will suffice. You damn right it will!


Round 2, about 16 kids left. Cole's word.....diagram. I swallow my tongue in terror. Cole nails it. I'm hyperventilating.

Round 3, about 7 kids left. Cole's word.....artificial. Oh crap. Get the car.




Whew!! Success! Thought he lost it there for a minute. I just crapped my pants.

Round 4, 5 kids left. Cole's word....disappoint. So he pauses for a second....and then.......D......I.......S......A..........P....................O............I........N......T.

Ugh. Heartbreaker. At that moment, you just feel so bad for him. We went straight to the cafeteria where they had snacks set up for the kids. We told him how awesome he did. Gave him hugs. Told him how proud we were. Made sure he wasn't too bummed out. And after I thought about it, maybe it's better that he doesn't know how to spell 'disappoint'. Because, really, that word doesn't even need to be in his vocabulary. Good job, Cole. Mommy and Daddy are proud of you.