A couple of weeks ago, Rach and I went to a wedding (by ourselves) in Miami, and it was AWESOME! Now at this point in our lives, Rach and I would be excited about the two of us going anywhere alone. You could tell us that we were going to milk cows in Sheboygan, Wisconsin for a few days, and we'd both be excitedly sitting on the plane with our overalls and rubber gloves on. Rach would probably even bedazzle herself a straw hat. But with that being said, it really was an awesome trip. When Rach booked the rental car, I'm pretty sure she tried to book us a Cadillac CTS so that we could drive around Miami in style. We didn't get the CTS, but the rental company was pretty close. They gave us a blacked out Lincoln Continental! It was the most incredible car I've ever driven. I couldn't decide if I was in the FBI, in the mob, or in the car service industry. When we walked up to the car, I climbed in the trunk and yelled out, "Look how many bodies you can fit back here!" Then I called my best friend, Agent EZ, to see if there was any way he could get me one of those old school blue lights to put on the dashboard. Then I climbed in the backseat to make it seem like Rach was chauffeuring me around the city. (And just in case you're not scoring at home, I made 3 rental car jokes in a matter of seconds. And don't think that I slowed that pace down at all. Rach never wants to see another Continental for as long as she lives.) Anyway, we got to spend a full day in South Beach, laying out for a long time, then taking one for the team and shopping for a long time. (Although I will say that it was by far, the greatest shopping trip of my lifetime. That's not even a joke.) But when we were close to being done with all of the shopping, I left Rach in the store to go get the car out of the parking garage. I got back to the store that Rach was in, but ended up having to wait outside in the car for about 20 minutes. The wait wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have 10 different people come up to the car and ask me how much it would cost for me to take them to some other part of time. "I'm not a car service, Damnit!!" And this is the conversation I had with one of the semi-drunk guys:
Semi-Drunkie: Hey man, How much to get back downtown?
Me: Sorry man, I'm not a taxi.
Semi-Drunkie: Oh, my bad bro. Hey, how much did this car cost? Because I'm thinking about getting me a fleet of these and starting my own business.
Me: I have no idea. This is just a rental car.
Semi-Drunkie: Oh, word. But do you know how much they are?
Me: Not sure, man. Just a rental.
Semi-Drunkie: Oh, but that would be sweet though, right?
Me: Yes, you should definitely look into it.
But enough about the car, the wedding was awesome too. The wedding participants were Racheal's childhood friend, Crystal, and her husband, Dean, who I had never met. I had heard a lot about him, but that was mostly just Racheal telling me how much I'd like him. "Oh, you are just going to love Dean. He's funny. He works out. He's got great eyebrows. Guys would kill for his eyebrows." (Okay, maybe not the last part, but Rach was definitely talking this guy up like she was setting me up on a blind date with a one-legged hunchback.) It turned out, though, that Dean was really fun to hang out with. Actually, everyone was. It was the type of wedding that made you think three things: One was, "Wow, people really are better looking in Miami." Two, "Everybody here is just trying to have a good time." And three, "Holy crap, I think this bartender is trying to kill me!"
It's almost more fun to go to a wedding that you don't know too many people at because you get to meet all these great people from all over who are all celebrating the same thing. And there's not anyone at the wedding that you don't like because, well, you just met them. And you how some couples disappear after their wedding? Because maybe they're too tired? Or maybe they want to get a jump on their honeymoon? Or maybe they're just snooty and don't feel like hanging out after getting married? Well, Dean and Crystal were NOT that couple. Oh no, fast forward to 5:30 in the morning to Crystal ordering pancakes in a diner still wearing her wedding dress. Now THAT is my kind of couple. (After all, Rach and I ended up at Waffle House and skinny dipping in a pool the night we got married, so this was right up our alley.) But I digress, after the wedding we all piled in the Lincoln as a very sober Racheal drove a bunch of very unsober wedding guests to a night club in downtown Miami. It was pretty much exactly what you would expect from a Miami night club. The only reason they let us guys in was because we were with good looking women. And even then it felt like the bouncer was eyeing me up and down like the guy buying slaves in the movie Gladiator. I was waiting for him to ask me what my trade was. "I was a hunter." Then after we got into the club, we walked through what seemed like 7 different clubs all with different levels of VIPness. We ended up at the bar in some very large, very loud, very crowded room (How old am I?). We ended up getting a table so that we had somewhere to put our stuff, and also so that we had a place for people to dance on the table and chug bottles of Bacardi (I only did one of those). I imagine that this night was the closest that I'll ever get to seeing what it is like to be a rapper. I should've finally debuted my rap name, Lewy C Ana (kinda like Flo-Rida). And looking back on it now, maybe we should've been drinking Henny and Hypnotiq instead. Anyway, we ended up shutting down the bar at 4 am, and going to the aforementioned diner where, one of Crystal's friends may or may not have shown everyone at the table what he had been eating and drinking all night. Bleh! But that was before he gathered his composure and proceeded to repeatedly hit on the ladies at the table next to us. Then Racheal nearly lost her composure when she threatened to cut his balls off with a butter knife if he went over to go talk to them again. Honey, do you think KFC is still open?
The next day, there was a 'What Happened Last Night' Brunch (Not the actual title of the brunch) where we all regrouped and rehashed the events of the previous night. Then we returned the Lincoln and hopped on a plane so that I could begin my 3 day hangover (I swear I didn't feel right until the next Tuesday). But all in all we had a great time. We celebrated a beautiful couple's beautiful wedding; we met some awesome people; we had an awesome day on the beach, we spent an awful lot of money; and most importantly, we got through yet another trip without killing each other. We actually didn't even get into one fight. Now I gotta start planning that trip to Sheboygan.
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