Glory, glory, hallelujah school is out. I hate the school year. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that we live in America and our kids have the opportunity to go to school and learn stuff and all, but the school year sucks. Between all of the projects, the field trips, the tests, the report cards, the lunches, the extra-curricular activities, etc, it is exhausting. We basically get sucked up into a tornado of ‘crap to do’ in August, and get spit out in May battered, beaten, and broken. This past year we had five kids in school. Starting in August, with Stella going to K4, we’ll have six. That’s six different humans constantly dealing with school related problems. Not to mention our oldest is nineteen and our youngest is four, so we’ll be dealing with problems ranging from dorm room assignments and nursing school issues to a kindergartener’s overinflated sense of self-confidence that was brought on by…..
Me: Stella, how do you spell cat?
Stella: R-F-B
Me: That’s right!! Good job!! You are soooo smart! And pretty! And wonderful!
I’m sorry. I just don’t want to be the one that rejects her. That's what school is for. Anyway, school sucks. Bring on summer. However, summer does present its own set of challenges; i.e. sleep schedules and whatnot. You see, my sleep schedule stays on Eastern Time Zone over the summer but the kids apparently immediately switch to Hawaii-Aleutian Time which is six hours behind. Seriously, I wake up six hours before them and they go to sleep six hours after me. Last night the girls started watching a movie, STARTED watching a movie at 10:30pm! I can’t stay awake for a movie that starts at 10:30am. So whatever, watching a late movie seems harmless, right? Well it would be harmless if they didn’t set the volume on the TV somewhere between ‘motorcycle parked in my bedroom’ and ‘747 taking off from my roof’. It was so loud I thought the characters’ voices were coming from my own head. What possesses someone to raise the volume up that high?
Can you hear it?
Yeah.
How bout now?
Yeah.
Now?
YEAH!
NOW!!
YEAH!!!!!!!
OKAY THAT’S PROBABLY GOOD THEN!!!!
Luckily I didn’t have to get out of bed to go yell at them to turn it down because Jaxon came in the room to wake us up so I could enter the Hulu password into his Kindle for the 9,000th time. I made him go downstairs to tell them to turn it down. He went down the stairs and still had to yell at the top of his lungs for them to hear him.
The movie alone wouldn’t have been that bad, but the night before I was awoken by the sounds of a male voice talking in my house. I checked the time on my phone and it was 3:00am. I hopped up thinking I might get to shoot an intruders, but when I walked out into the hallway I realized it was just Cole talking on the phone to his girlfriend. At 3am. And don’t give me any of that, “Awww puppy love. That’s so sweet” crap. I’ve read their text messages to each other. They’re not that interesting. Here’s how 99% of their conversations go: (translation in parentheses, for all of you who don’t speak ‘teen’)
Cole: wyd (What are you doing?)
Destiny: nothing hbu (I am not currently doing anything. How about yourself?)
Cole: nothing haha –laughing crying face emoji- (I am not doing anything either. It’s funny because we’re both doing the same thing, yet nothing at all)
Destiny: haha –laughing crying face emoji- (I also think this is funny)
Cole: I miss you –sad face emoji- (I’m not really sure what to say, but I’m pretty sure you want me to miss you)
Destiny: ikr. I miss you too! –sad face emoji- (I know, right? We are in agreement again. I too am sad)
Cole: I can’t wait to see you. Maybe this weekend –praying hands emoji- (I would like to see you this weekend. God and parents willing)
Destiny: that would be lit (I would enjoy that)
Cole: ikr (I concur with your last statement)
Destiny: hahaha (I don’t really have anything else to say but I really want to keep this text going)
Cole: haha (I don’t know what to say either but I’m glad we’re communicating)
Destiny: -red heart emoji- (I have strong feelings for you)
Cole: -blue heart emoji- (I also have very strong feelings for you, but they’re also different because my emoji is blue)
You get the idea. And it goes on like that for sixteen hours a day every day. They weren’t exactly solving the financial crisis on that 3am phone call.
To make my sleeping matters worse, my beautiful wife, who I love dearly, decided to drink a gallon of coffee at 6pm yesterday evening in order to have the energy to lead our group of 12 elementary students at vacation Bible school last night. This seemed like a good idea for the short term because she did, in fact, have plenty of energy for VBS. Long term, however, it was probably not such a good idea. She could not go to sleep. At all. We tried everything to tire her out. Some things I minded, some things I didn’t mind so much. –winky face emoji- After I fell asleep, every thirty minutes or so, I’d get a nudge:
Rach: Babe, did you see there was a terrorist attack in Tel Aviv?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: Isn’t that awful?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: Babe, did you see that alligator that had a person in its mouth?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: I wonder who it was. Can you imagine?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: Isn’t that awful?
Rach: Babe, babe, did you see that lady fight off her daughter’s kidnapper in that store?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: Isn’t that awful?
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: I don’t think I should bring more than one kid with me to TJ Maxx anymore. Because what if while I was fighting off one attacker, another attacker took one of the other kids. Do you think they would…Babe….babe?
Me: Huh?
Rach: Do you think I should avoid TJ Maxx altogether? What about Ross? Do you think a kidnapper would try anything at Ross? Maybe I'll just bring one kid to Ross, but save multiple kid trips for Marshalls. Babe?
Rach: Babe, hey…..I can’t sleep.
Me: (no response)
Rach: Hey did you hear me? I can’t sleep.
Me: Mmmm Hmmm.
Rach: I just can’t go to sleep.
At this point I check my phone and it’s 4:30 am—a whopping 45 minutes before I’m supposed to wake up. Should be angry, right? Of course not. Why? I didn’t have to wake anybody up. I didn’t have to pack any lunches. I didn’t have to wake anybody up again because they didn’t get up the first time. I didn’t have to send any teenage girls back upstairs to put on real shorts. I didn’t have to dole out any money for a “field trip” that someone “told me about yesterday”. I didn’t have to find anyone’s shoes. I didn’t have to wake anybody up again because it’s time to leave and they didn’t wake up the last two times. I simply got up out of bed. Quietly got ready. Quietly packed up my stuff. And quietly walked out the door with a giant smile on my face. Man I love summer.
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