As some of you may know, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are Rach's days off. So most of the time for me, the drive home on those days are the scariest 15 minutes that you could possibly imagine. The gamut of possibilities is incredible. Is she renovating something? Is she remodeling something? Is she redecorating something? Is she having boulders installed in the yard that I have to move? Did we get a new pet? Did we get a new kid? It could literally be ANYTHING. So imagine my surprise when I come home from work to............silence. Beautiful silence. Horrifyingly skeptical, I tip-toed further into the house like a ninja. And when I got to the living room, I saw something so shocking that my eyes could barely process the information. I saw no kids in sight, and Rach under a blanket on the couch....reading a book. That's right. A book. I was about to ask her where the kids were, but then she glared at me with one of those 'If you dare ask me about the kids and somehow jinx my quiet time, I will fly over there and Superman punch you in the throat' looks. At least I'm pretty sure that's what 'look' it was. It was either the 'Superman punch in the throat' look, or the 'I velcroed the kids to the ceiling so I could get some peace' look. But I heard footsteps upstairs, so I figured smart money was on the Superman punch.
And of course, if you're walking through the desert, and you come upon someone drinking water out of a puddle, you don't stop and ask that person why they're drinking that water. Or ask them how they found it. No, you shut up and start drinking. And that's what I did. I sat on the other couch and quietly answered emails on my phone. After about a half hour, I got bored. I looked over at Rach, and she was showing no signs of prematurely ending her quiet time. So I got up to make dinner, and noticed some chicken breasts defrosting on the counter.
I said, "Hey Rach, you got anything in particular planned with these chicken breasts?"
And she said, "............................................"
I'll take that as a no.
So I start making dinner. Nothing special, baja chipotle marinated chicken with stovetop stuffing and mac and cheese. That's my signature dinner. Chicken, and boxes of crap. No one makes chicken and/or boxes of crap quite like I do. In fact, I may open up a restaurant where I serve nothing but chicken and boxed macaroni and cheese. Maybe a baseball themed restaurant with fried chicken balls called 'Fowl Ball, and Battered Box'. I'm pretty sure that's genius. Nobody steal that one.
Anyway, about 45 minutes later, I call the kids downstairs to eat. Rach is still reading her book. I fix the kids plates. Rach is still reading her book. I got the kids drinks. Rach is still reading her book. Finally, Rach looks up and says, "Wait--Is it done? Did you cook already? That was fast."
Me (being sarcastic and patronizing as I make her a plate): Would you like for me to make you a plate and bring it to you? I would hate for you to have to get up.
Rach (laughing): Aww, thank you.
Scarlett (From the Peanut Gallery): I can't wait until I get married, so I can have someone to do everything for me too!
At this point, we all started busting out laughing, but then we thought about it a little more. And Rach said, "That's right. And you get rid of any man that treats you any different." So then it turned into a 45 minute lesson. We talked to Scarlett about respecting herself enough to not settle for a douche bag. We told her that if she did, in fact, try to settle for someone who is even a little bit douchey, that I would knock his teeth out and Rach would Superman punch him in the throat. We talked for awhile, not just to Scarlett, but also to the boys. We talked to them about the right way to treat women. Taught them about respecting women. Putting them first. Taught them the "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" rule.
It's a life lesson, sure. But did we get through to them? I don't know. Is this one night going to transcend into their adult lives? Probably not. Are they even going to remember this incident a week from now? I doubt it. It is, however, a reminder that they're watching us. They're paying attention. Every step we take. Every move we make. They'll be watching us. Just like Sting. They notice our interactions and how we treat other people. They're copycats, like little Carlos Mencia's. And I guess the hope is that, as parents, if we can string together enough of these little lessons, that maybe, just maybe, we can keep our sons out of jail and our daughters off the pole. Or our daughters out of jail and our sons off the pole. Now I'm confused.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
The King-Sized Update......
Okay, deep breath. Aaaannnnnnnddddddd here we go. Today is officially the 4 month anniversary of the last time I blogged. I can't imagine what you could have been doing to fill that void in your life. Let me break it down mathematically for you. Let's say that I averaged 1 post a week when I was actively blogging. And let's also say that it took you an average of 15 minutes to read each post. That means that, over the last 4 months, I've spared you from wasting about 255 minutes of your life. That's over 4 hours! That's almost longer than Avatar. That's longer than it takes to watch a football game that Racheal doesn't understand why you're watching. Rach didn't understand why I was watching the BCS national championship game since LSU wasn't in it. And she may have had a valid argument if my affinity for football was brand new discovery for her. But I've always loved watching football. For crying out loud, WE MET AT A FOOTBALL GAME! I used to watch Division III preseason games! I could watch two guys play Madden online. It's not like I'm suddenly asking her why she has so many pairs of shoes! Or why she talks on the phone for hours at a time. But I digress...What I'm trying to say is that I think I have a lot of catching up to do, but I don't know where to begin.
I could write about how I just shaved my head with a razor about as sharp as a butter knife and know I look like Freddy Kreuger, but I don't think that would hold your attention for that long.
Or I could write about how I'm letting my beard grow out and it is glorious. It may be the greatest beard since Kelly Preston. The fan reactions have been a little strange though, I've had 3 different people tell me that I look just like Carlos Boozer. Which is ridiculous, because if there's a basketball player that I look like, it's probably this guy. But if I started writing about my beard then I'd probably have to mention the gray hair that's growing sporadically on my chin. And then I'd have to mention that I've contemplated just coloring in the gray parts with a sharpie. And that would be weird.
Or I could write about how we no longer have Tori and Gavin. And how we don't speak to Maxine anymore because she's started drinking again and thinks that Racheal is trying to ruin her life by caring. And that we had to just cut ties with them because of all of the drama that it was causing our family. But that would just be too depressing.
Or I could write about how the last month has been the most quiet, calm, drama free month that we've had since Jaxon was born. But that would be way too boring.
Or I could write about how I've been working 60 hours a week for the past few months, and maybe you'd feel a little bit of sympathy, but then I'd also feel compelled to tell you that my 60 hour work weeks are about 50 hours more per week than what I averaged for the previous year and a half.
Or I could write about Cole and Scarlett each came home with 1 B and the rest A's on their report card. But then I'd have to tell you that we grounded them for being slackers. (But then I'd have to admit that I understand why my dad used to ground me for low A's. It was because I was a slacker).
Or I could write about how Izzy and I each gained about 20 pounds over the past year. And that everyone acts surprised when I tell them how much weight I've gained, but no one really acts surprised when I tell them how much weight Izzy has gained. Which is good, I guess. Because that means that I'm carrying my extra 20 pounds better than my 40 pound dog.
Or I could write about how Keith moved out into his own place. And how every time I take the kids to the gym that he works at, as soon as Jax sees Keith, no matter who he's talking to, Jax screams out, "Hey, Uncle Farty Head!". And how I honestly have no idea why he does it.
Or I could write about how my parents decided to move South Carolina. And how they'll be here within the next two months because their house sold within the first week that it was on the market. And how it must be fate because their next door neighbor's house has been up for sale for over two years. And how Jax said that he guesses he'll have to stop picking his nose when his Mimi moves here. And how Mimi and Papa are looking for houses within walking distance of our house. And how awkward it's going to be when I tell them that Rach and I are moving back to Louisiana. (Just kidding, We can't wait for them to get here. You can't put a price on free babysitters. Love you, Mom!)
Or I could write about how big and grown up Cole is getting. That he's becoming such a good big brother. And that he's such a sweet caring person. Or I could write about how smart and gorgeous Scarlett is getting. And that, like it or not, she's becoming as strong and confident as her mother. Or I could write about how funny Jax is becoming. And that he's already using his humor to get himself out of trouble (He must get that from Rach.) Yep, I could write about these things, but I think I'll make you wait for the full stories. Because otherwise I'd owe you your 4 hours again.
I could write about how I just shaved my head with a razor about as sharp as a butter knife and know I look like Freddy Kreuger, but I don't think that would hold your attention for that long.
Or I could write about how I'm letting my beard grow out and it is glorious. It may be the greatest beard since Kelly Preston. The fan reactions have been a little strange though, I've had 3 different people tell me that I look just like Carlos Boozer. Which is ridiculous, because if there's a basketball player that I look like, it's probably this guy. But if I started writing about my beard then I'd probably have to mention the gray hair that's growing sporadically on my chin. And then I'd have to mention that I've contemplated just coloring in the gray parts with a sharpie. And that would be weird.
Or I could write about how we no longer have Tori and Gavin. And how we don't speak to Maxine anymore because she's started drinking again and thinks that Racheal is trying to ruin her life by caring. And that we had to just cut ties with them because of all of the drama that it was causing our family. But that would just be too depressing.
Or I could write about how the last month has been the most quiet, calm, drama free month that we've had since Jaxon was born. But that would be way too boring.
Or I could write about how I've been working 60 hours a week for the past few months, and maybe you'd feel a little bit of sympathy, but then I'd also feel compelled to tell you that my 60 hour work weeks are about 50 hours more per week than what I averaged for the previous year and a half.
Or I could write about Cole and Scarlett each came home with 1 B and the rest A's on their report card. But then I'd have to tell you that we grounded them for being slackers. (But then I'd have to admit that I understand why my dad used to ground me for low A's. It was because I was a slacker).
Or I could write about how Izzy and I each gained about 20 pounds over the past year. And that everyone acts surprised when I tell them how much weight I've gained, but no one really acts surprised when I tell them how much weight Izzy has gained. Which is good, I guess. Because that means that I'm carrying my extra 20 pounds better than my 40 pound dog.
Or I could write about how Keith moved out into his own place. And how every time I take the kids to the gym that he works at, as soon as Jax sees Keith, no matter who he's talking to, Jax screams out, "Hey, Uncle Farty Head!". And how I honestly have no idea why he does it.
Or I could write about how my parents decided to move South Carolina. And how they'll be here within the next two months because their house sold within the first week that it was on the market. And how it must be fate because their next door neighbor's house has been up for sale for over two years. And how Jax said that he guesses he'll have to stop picking his nose when his Mimi moves here. And how Mimi and Papa are looking for houses within walking distance of our house. And how awkward it's going to be when I tell them that Rach and I are moving back to Louisiana. (Just kidding, We can't wait for them to get here. You can't put a price on free babysitters. Love you, Mom!)
Or I could write about how big and grown up Cole is getting. That he's becoming such a good big brother. And that he's such a sweet caring person. Or I could write about how smart and gorgeous Scarlett is getting. And that, like it or not, she's becoming as strong and confident as her mother. Or I could write about how funny Jax is becoming. And that he's already using his humor to get himself out of trouble (He must get that from Rach.) Yep, I could write about these things, but I think I'll make you wait for the full stories. Because otherwise I'd owe you your 4 hours again.
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