The King-Sized Return............

Alright, alright already. Stop hounding me. I'll do another friggin blog. It's only been a month, and I must've gotten close to 3 requests asking me to make another post (that number just unexpectedly climbed to 5 while I was in the bathroom at work. Thanks Papa Joe). Sure two of those emails came from my wife and my mother, but that's close to half my fan base. But I don't want you to think that my extended hiatus means that nothing has been going on. Oh no, not at all. I've been as busy as ever. I just haven't time (see also: 'been too lazy') to post anything. So since I already consider my life as one big dress rehearsal for a Lifetime made for TV movie; just imagine this past month as an extended 1980s montage set to something like Falco's Rock me, Amadeus (only without the powdered wig). So close your eyes, and I'll narrate you through the montage. Oh, wait -Open your eyes. You'll need them to read this. And maybe we'll pick a different song. (Editor's Note: I apologize if this doesn't make any sense. I'm a little rusty.)

Scene 1: Who Dat Celebration

Background music: Johnny Cash's Hurt followed by U2 and Green Day, The Saints are Coming

Description: Jeff tearfully gazes at the post-Super Bowl celebration on TV while he reminisces and reflects on his life as a Saints fan. Fade to random moments in Saints history, i.e. Jim Mora press conferences, the Billy Joes, Rickey Jackson pager commercials, Heath Shuler's heal, Danny Weurfel's backwards helmet, Ditka smoking a cigar, Ricky Williams fumbling, the Tim Couch hail mary, the Daunte Culpepper 2-point conversion, the 40-10 Redskins shellacking that Soyez slept through, Deuce blowing out his knee, the Joe Horn/Willie Roaf debacle, the Jacksonville miracle followed by the botched Carney extra point, Joe Horn's cell phone, meeting my future wife at a 38-31 loss to the Vikings, Deuce blowing out his other knee, Jason David, Reggie pointing at Urlacher, Deuce blowing out his other knee again, Kurt Warner getting laid out, Reggie's punt return, Porter intercepting Favre, Hartley's kick, Pierre Thomas' screen pass, Shockey Touchdown, Brees hugging Payton, .....Then fade back to a sobbing Jeff making one of these ridiculous crying faces.

Commentary: The Saints won the Super Bowl. I still haven't completely come to terms with it. I mean, this is, by far, the most important meaningless thing to ever happen in my life. It's humongous. It's bigger than LSU's two national championships. It's bigger than the iPhone. It's bigger than -- and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's even bigger than when Rocky ended the Cold War. There, I said it. And I can't take it back.



Scene 2 - Jax is getting old

Background music: The Beach Boys, Wouldn't It Be Nice.

Description: Clips of Jax doing more and more grown up things, like brushing his teeth, putting his shoes on, saying things like, "Daddy, Where are the kids?", dribbling a basketball, pouring syrup on his waffles, playing Wii Fit, drawing on his magnetic DoodlePro and saying, "Not now! I'm doing my homework!", standing up to pee, and then a shot of him riding his bicycle.

Commentary: What, you can't picture him riding his bicycle? Then watch this:







Scene 3 - Max spreads her wings

Background Music: Something loud and ghetto, like Maxine's ring tone. Lil Wayne's I Run This .

Description: Start with Maxine at a meeting getting her 1 year sobriety chip. Then show clips of her dealing with her roommates' drama and getting fed up. Then show her trying to find zen by doing yoga on the Wii Fit. Then show me laughing at her. Then show her with a newspaper looking through the classified ads for a place to rent, circling one of the listings with a big over sized red pen (Of course, she didn't actually use a newspaper. But that's what she would've done if this were in fact a 1980s montage). Then show her signing a lease and getting the keys to her new place.

Commentary: I've joked before about how mean and scary Maxine and Racheal can be. Nobody ever seems to believe me. I feel like this guy from Monty Python trying to warn people about the cute little bunny rabbit. Maxine will literally rip your throat out if you cross her. I mean, you really have no idea what she's capable of until you back her into a corner. She has been through so much, and for her to fight her way back is pretty much astonishing. Watching her grow and make strides everyday has been very inspiring. I couldn't be more proud of another person. But having said that, her taking the kids is so bittersweet. I'm so proud of her, and so happy for the kids. But it feels like the end of an era. In all actuality, not a whole lot is really going to change. We'll still see the kids before and after school. We'll still see them all weekend. We'll still be one huge dysfunctional family. And it's not like they're moving too far. Maxine's house is less than 2 miles away.