You boys get used to wearing matching outfits............................
I have a feeling I know what I'll be doing from 6:00 - 7:30 pm every Tuesday and Thursday starting in the year 2029. At least that's what time I think prison visiting hours are. Hopefully, we'll be able to find a prison that will hold both men and women for all kinds of charges, including smuggling, fraud, grand theft, contempt of court, and assault. Because I hate to think that Rach and I are going to be stuck driving from prison to prison, all over the country, just to see our kids. That would just be horrible on us. Now yes, I'm kind of joking a little bit, but seriously, all of our kids are going to jail. Here's my predictions:
Tori
Prediction (2019):
At age 21, miraculously, Tori talks us into letting her to go to spring break in Mexico. (For the record, I can not envision any possible way that she can convince me to let her go. 2009 Jeff is saying 'Not in a million years!' But I think that 2019 Jeff will be so incredibly beaten down that he won't have the ability to make rational decisions. Just imagine a 39 year old with Al Davis' cognitive ability.) Not only that, but she even somehow convinces us to pay for it. I'm guessing that she uses some sort of Jedi mind trick. But she ensures us that she's not going to do anything wrong. Upon getting into Mexico, she's given a list of things that she's not allowed to bring back into the United States. She has this conversation with the border patrol agent:
Tori: But I really want to bring back some bootleg makeup and dvds and such.
Border Patrol Agent: Um, Really? Miss, that's definitely illegal.
Tori: But I really want to. Can I?
Border Patrol Agent: Are you being serious? No. That's against the law. It's a federal crime. If you get caught, you will go to prison.
Tori: So you're saying I'll only get in trouble if I get caught?
Border Patrol Agent: Um, well. I guess so. But I would strongly advise against it.
Tori: Okay, Great!
5 days later, Tori gets busted trying to 'sneak' 500 lbs of contraband back into the country, and gets sentenced to 3 years in federal prison.
Reason For Prediction:
There is a 'No Cell Phones' rule at Tori's school. In big bold letters as you walk in the school: NO CELL PHONES. We also have a rule in our house that you are not allowed to bring your cell phone to school. Yet right after Tori's school lets out, I get a text from Tori that says, 'Heyz! R U cmng to gt me? lol mk' So we take her phone away for a week. Then she tells us that her principal told her it was okay for her to bring it to school, as long as she kept it turned off and in her bookbag all day. Rach calls the school, and the principal says, 'No. I never said that. If she gets caught with her phone at school, it will get taken away.' Then Tori convinces me to call a school administrator who tells me that although cell phones are not allowed, it won't get taken away unless someone hears or sees it. The next morning I saw her principal standing outside as I was dropping her off. I asked him the same question, and he gave me the same answer. But Tori thinks that since she doesn't agree with the rule, and she really wants to bring her phone so that she can text us after school, that she should be allowed to bring her phone. Tell it to the judge.
Gavin
Prediction (2025):
As the owner/operator of a hugely successful custom auto shop (imagine the Pimp my Ride company), Gavin is making more money than he knows what to do with. He is approached by a seedy, greasy looking businessman who talks Gavin into letting him do the company's accounting. The swarmy businessman suggests some less than legal ideas, and Gavin goes along with it. Within a year, the IRS is raids the building and an unsuspecting Gavin gets 3 years for tax evasion and and fraud. He would've gotten a much longer sentence, but as soon as the IRS was investigating him, he turned himself in and admitted to everything that he had done. And luckily, Gavin gets out in 18 months due to good behavior. (See picture below for explanation)
Reason For Prediction:
Gavin got caught cheating on a test yesterday. His teacher, Mrs. Hale, called Rach yesterday afternoon, and told her the whole story. Apparently, Gavin and the other boy were looking off of each other's papers, and then handed in their tests at the exact same time with all of the exact same answers with all of the conspicuousness of a fart in a hot car. Mrs. Hale confronted the two cheaters, and Gavin immediately admitted to everything, while the other boy took the Barry Bonds/Roger Clemens plan of denial. Mrs. Hale was extra disappointed in Gavin since she gives out prizes every Friday to the week's best student, and that student was going to be Gavin right up until that incident. Getting a zero on that test would bring Gav's social studies grade from a 100 to a 50, and progress reports were due yesterday. So she allowed Gavin and the other boy to take the test after school. The sad part is, Gavin did better by himself than he did when he was cheating. I asked Gavin why he would cheat when he knew all of the answers anyway, and he couldn't tell me. I honestly think that he didn't know what to do in that situation. Mrs. Hale said that she could tell that Gavin was extremely remorseful, and almost in tears. So this morning, Gavin made this note to give to his teacher:
Gavin gets in trouble the least, yet he seemsto know the most about getting out of trouble
Cole
Prediction (2020):
As a 20 year old student at LSU, Cole offers to help an old lady across a busy Baton Rouge intersection. As the two get about half-way across the street, a butterfly catches Cole's eye. He stops to see where the butterfly is going, then notices a cloud that looks like a horseshoe. As he's staring at the cloud, a bird flies into view, and so he watches the bird intently. Between the butterfly, the cloud, and the bird, he barely even noticed that the old lady that he was helping was hit by a bus. From the bus passengers' perspective, it appeared that Cole pushed the lady into the street. So Cole goes to trial for manslaughter. There was enough evidence to get the case thrown out of court, but at the hearing, when the judge asked Cole how he was going to plea, Cole got sidetracked by a shiny nickel that someone had left on the floor. The judge assumed that Cole was being disrespectful, and threw him into jail.
Reason For Prediction:
Cole is a space cadet. Not like, 'Hey, Cole's gonna be an astronaut!' But more like, 'Hey, Cole's on another freakin planet right now!' To say that it has become an issue for his teacher would be quite the understatement. And this is a teacher who won Teacher of the Year for the whole state last year! And she's at her wit's end. She's had to email Racheal to see if she has any suggestions on how to keep Cole on task. She said she had to move Cole's desk right next to hers, and she constantly has to tell him, 'Cole, Do number 1. Cole, Do number 1. Cole, Do number 1. Cole, Do number 1. Cole, Do number 1. Cole, Do number 2. Cole, Do number 2. Cole, Do number 2. Cole, Do number 2. Cole, Do number 2.' I tell you what; If she repeats as teacher of the year, it would be more impressive than if the '97 Florida Marlins would've repeated as World Series Champs. She may want to lower her expectations a little bit. I would consider it a win if she didn't light herself on fire and jump out of a window after the first semester.
Scarlett
Prediction (2020):
An 18 year old Scarlett is driving home from school one day, when she is pulled over for putting her makeup on while she's driving. The cop is nice enough, though, and offers to give her a warning if she promises not to put her makeup on while she's driving anymore. Scarlett rolls her eyes, and let's out a frustrated sigh. The cop has no choice but to write her a ticket. At her court date, the judge decides to give Scarlett leniency, and reduce her ticket to a seatbelt violation. She tells Scarlett not to put her makeup on anymore, and Scarlett has the same reaction that she had with the police officer. The judge demands an apology, and upon Scarlett's adamant refusal, is forced to throw her in jail for contempt of court. The judge tells Scarlett that all she has to do is apologize and she'll be free, but Scarlett just glares at the judge with daggers in her eyes. Scarlett ends up staying in jail for the rest of her life simply because she is incapable of apologizing. Yet she offered up to disclose to the judge every crime that her brothers had ever comitted. And even some stuff that they didn't even do. She was even bringing up the stuff that I'm writing about now; which would make that 15 years ago. Now I'm officially confused. How did the writers of Back To The Future keep all of those facts straight?
Reason For Prediction:
Scarlett is just like her mother. The only thing that tops her beauty is her hardheadedness. She will not admit a mistake. She's like an incredibly cute version of Dubya. She would, no kidding, rather chew off her left arm than apologize to anyone. But she's quick to let you know when someone else is doing something that they're not supposed to be doing. 'Daddy, is Cole supposed to be eating with his fork in his left hand? Yeah? Okay. I'm just checking.....Daddy, Is Gavin allowed to ride his bike in the street? He's not? Oooh! Well I saw him doing that earlier!!'
Jaxon
Prediction (2025):
During his freshman year at LSU, Jaxon is fortunate enough to land tickets to the BCS National Championship Game to see LSU play Ohio State. As Jaxon is walking in, an usher takes his tickets to help him find his seats. Confused by this, and wanting to make sure he gets to keep the ticket stub as a souvenir, Jaxon headbutts the usher, punches him in the stomach, then laughs as he bites off the usher's nose. He misses the game, gets banned from the SuperDuperDome, and goes to jail for 7 years for aggravated assault.
Reason For Prediction:
Jaxon's babysitter had to move to Atlanta about a month ago, so he had to start going to daycare. Everyday when we pick him up, he gets a status sheet on how he did that day. There are three categories: 'I seemed happy today', 'I obeyed my teacher today', and 'I was nice to my friends today'. And there are three possible answers: Happy Face, Normal Face, and Sad Face. And pretty much everyday, he gets a Happy face for 'I seemed happy today', and sad faces for all the rest. It's even got to the point where they're having to find new places to write comments on the paper about what he did that day. Jaxon punched 2 kids today. Jaxon kicked someone today. Jaxon headbutted someone today. Jaxon gouged someone's eyes out today. (Other than the gouging, he did all of those.) This past Friday, they sent him home with a note that we have to sign and send back because he bit two other kids. And it seems like more times than not, it's because one of the other little rugrats took something of his. I kind of imagine the teacher saying, 'Jaxon, why did you do that?!' as he stands over an unconcious victim. He slowly turns to her, and in his 2 year old Clint Eastwood voice, he says, 'He took something that belonged to me.' Maybe that's not what actually happens, but that's what's going through my head.
Don't even think about taking these floaties from me. I will gut you.
So that's where we're at right now. And if the kids want to go to prison, we're gonna show them what it's like. We're implementing a new schedule. And I mean a serious schedule:
15:00-15:15 Snack
15:15-16:30 Homework
16:30-17:15 Cel- I mean room cleaning
17:15-18:30 Recreation (As long as they are not currently grounded)
18:30-19:15 Supper
19:15-19:30 Female bath time
19:30-19:45 Male bath time
19:45-20:15 Teeth brushing and next day clothing preparation
20:15-20:30 Family Bible Study
20:30 Bed Time
We've had three weeks to get used to the new school schedules, so now we're ready. No more attitudes. No more 6 hours to do your homework. No more kicking the cat. No more arguing. No more fighting with each other. No more dirty rooms. No more standing around after we tell you to do something. We're cracking the whip, and we're doing it together as a family. Oh, wait. I've got to fly to upstate New York for a week for work. Ehh, I'm sure Rach, Max, and Keith can handle it. I've got Adirondack furniture to look at.
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