....But this view is nicer.

Rach went to dinner the other night with some friends. The shirt that
she was wearing was um, uh, let's just say it was missing some fabric
in the breastular area. While they were eating, Jaxon kept grabbing
both sides of the shirt, pulling them together saying, 'Uh oh. Broken.
Broken Mommy. Shirt broken Mommy.'

That's my boy. Helping out anyway he can.

Me and My Ladies

I keep thinking back to the movie Die Hard, when the newscasters were explaining the condition where kidnappers begin to identify with their hostage takers, and one of the newscasters calls it the Helsinki syndrome, and the other butts in and says, 'That's Helsinki, Sweden.' But Helsinki is actually in Finland, and the condition is called the Stockholm Syndrome. Why am I thinking about this? Because when I'm at home, and I'm running from place to place, working, picking up kids, doing homework, making dinner, taking kids to baseball, taking kids to dance, coaching softball; I always think about how I don't ever get to do things for myself. And how I just need some time away. And wonder what it would be like to take a crap without kids repeatedly knocking on the door. Well, here's my chance. I'm in Seattle all week for work, so I get to do pretty much whatever it is that I want. Don't get me wrong, it's been nice. I've watched some TV shows that I don't ever get to watch, gotten to stay up until the end of playoff basketball games, worked out as long as I wanted. Work is my only obligation right now. But what do I spend most of my time doing? Thinking about how much I miss home. How much I miss my family. How quiet it is here. How I'm not really all that needed here. How I have to sleep in my bed by myself. It's really all that I think about. I'm still going to enjoy my time here, but I'm counting down the hours until I can become captive again.

(And I realize that the whole time Racheal is reading this she's thinking, 'You bastard. You leave me here with 5 kids by myself and then write about how you're struggling to deal with it? I'll get you back for this! Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but one day, you'll pay for leaving me here with these hooligans!--Okay, maybe I exaggerated. She wouldn't use the word hooligan.) Love you, baby!!

Who's kid is this?

The other night while Rach and I were on our date, Maxine took the
kids to one of Tori's all-star team games. Maxine was talking to one
of the other parents whose daughter also plays on our rec league team.
At one point, the parent referred to Maxine as Racheal. Max said,'Oh,
I'm not Racheal, I'm Maxine. I'm Tori's mom.' This confused the lady,
because she had heard me talk about my wife, Racheal, and also heard
Tori call me dad. So she says,'I thought Tori looked more like you.'
At this point, Jaxon was sitting on the lady's lap, so she says,'And
Jaxon is yours too?'

'No, just Tori and Gavin are mine.'

(Cole and Scarlett run by)

'Who's are they?'

'That's Racheal's kids from another marriage.'

(Then she looks down at Jax)

'So Who does he belong to?'

'Oh that's Racheal and Jeff's.'

'Oh, okay.'

Max said she had never seen someone look so confused. Which is
understandable. I think now she thinks that we've got some sort of
communal thing going on. There's none of that going on, but we do take
the term blended family to a whole new level.

You guys are such a great couple!

We went on our dinner cruise the other night. All in all, we had a
great time. The setup is kind of like a cruise in the sense that they
sit you with another couple at your table. So we walk into the dining
room and see that about half of the tables already had a couple seated
there. To my surprise, most of the couples were sitting across from
eachother. Maybe it's just me, but if you knew you were about to have
dinner with two complete strangers, wouldn't you want to sit next to
your spouse and not random guy #2? Because of course the guy of the
second couple would sit next to the guy of the first couple, right? By
the way, all if this ran through my head in the 4 seconds that it took
for them to seat us at our table. So we were the first couple at our
table and we of course sit next to eachother. I run a quick scan
around the room and realize that we may be the only couple on board
that doesn't remember where they were when J.R. got shot. I was
nervous about who we'd get paired up with at first, but now I was
resigned to the fact that I'd be stuck listening to some guy named
Larry go on and on about his IBS. So I was more than pleased when a
30something year old guy with a shaved head walked up with his petite
fake-breasted companion. So we immediately started making jokes about
the baldness, and how did the cruise people know we were bald by our
credit card numbers, and other icebreakers. Then the guy says,'Where's
the bar?' and there was much rejoicing. So we start getting to know
eachother; he's a chiropractor, she's an occupational therapist (so
she says. There were holes in her story, but anyway) We were having a
good time, but Rach could immediately tell that the guy wasn't really
too serious about the girl. We confirmed this later when we found out
they had been dating for 7 months, and he had never met her two kids
from her previous marriage. The point of the story is that they kept
going on and on and on about how great of a couple we were. And how we
HAD to get together again. And how much fun they were having. We were
having fun too, but we always have fun. We don't need another couple.
If we did hang out with them again, Rach may need to wear an oven
mitt. The girl was bit of an unnecessary high-fiver. Which is
ridiculous in itself, but when you throw in the ridiculous words she'd
say during the high five, it was unbearable unintentional comedy.

'You're a cancer? Holla!' (high five)

'You've got kids? Fo-Sho!' (high five)

'You're 29? Boo-yah!' (high five)

I kid you not. All night. But to sum up our date; we laughed, we ate,
we enjoyed eachother's company, and we had fun. Just like we always do
when we're by ourselves. And in the process, we were told by random
strangers how awesome we are. Like we didn't already know that. I mean
Come On!

Blurry Living

Wow. It's Wednesday already? This week has been a complete blur. I had
to leave work early on Monday because Jax was running a pretty high
fever. He didnt seem to feel bad, and the fever went down once we gave
him tylenol. So Monday, the boys had dance (they're taking a hip hop
dance class; fo sho) then Tori had dance, then the boys had baseball.
Then Monday night Jax was up all night. He kept waking up, so he ended
up sleeping in the bed with us. 4:30 gym came pretty early Tuesday
morning, but I can't let sleep win. Last night we had a softball game
in another suburb. We played really well, but we got hosed by the
refs. We had another game tonight, and another tomorrow night. So we
haven't gotten home before 9:30 all week. There is a light at the end
of the tunnel though. Friday night I scheduled a date with my lovely
wife. We're going on a dinner cruise around the Charleston Harbor.
Bout damn time. With all the stuff that we have going on, we end up
going through the motions a lot. It's hard to shift gears from dad to
employee to boss back to dad to husband. So we're taking some time for
ourselves. Because too many days like this in a row, and you end up
not batting an eyelash when you're 2 year old comes downstairs in
nothing but a diaper and rubber boots, eating a popsicle. I'm telling
you, if I make it through the next 18 years with at least one ounce of
sanity, it'll be a miracle. But, at least I'm not bored.

A day at the park

Yesterday, Tori had a softball tournament for her travel team. Which
is why I got the 4,327th wifebeater tan of my lifetime. I also got a
pretty clear look at crazy softball parents. Yelling at umps, yelling
at girls on the team whose parents are sitting right there, yelling at
the coaches for not sending runners, yelling at the coaches for
sending runners. Just a whole lot of yelling. The team did okay. They
played 3 games; won 1, lost 1, tied 1. Tori played really well. It
seemed like there was always runners on base when she came up to bat,
so she was bunting a lot. Man she can lay down a bunt. She had 2 that
came to a stop on the foul line. She bunted 6 times, beat out the
throw to first on 4 of them, and advanced the runners on the other
two. And she had a few very nice plays in the field. The only ball she
missed was one she had to dive for. It hit her glove but bounced out
when she hit the ground. It was fun watching them play. Jax and
Scarlett had fun too. Jax ran around and played the entire time, and
Scarlett was able to go in the dugout and hang out with the big girls
the whole time. You would think that being around all those softball
players would maybe peak her interest in softball. Well, you'd be
wrong. It did, however, peak her interest in the dugout cheers. I
caught her today singing, 'You're first baseman looks like Michael
Chiklis, Cmon batter swing for the fences!' Okay, so that's not a
cheer, but I was impressed with the quality of some of their dugout
cheers. Anyway, Jax made it until about 2 o'clock, then he passed out
under a tree for the entire 3rd game. All in all we had a good time.

Doonie's Autobiography

Scarlett had to write an autobiography for school. It had to be in
book format, couple of sentences for each year of her life, etc. We
couldn't help her out too much because of the trees and other crap
we've got going on, so she did most of it by herself. Well yesterday
morning she told me that they were reading the autobiographies out
loud in front of the class and asked me if I could go.

Quick work side note: Our company integrates all of the system
equipment and hardware into the vehicles. We design everything, put it
in the vehicle, and make sure all of it works. Then the government
contracts out a different company to cone integrate the software/ network/dataflow in the system. Well let's just say that they're never on time. So their whole game is to point out phantom hardware problems to buy themselves more time, and divert the attention from the fact that they're not meeting deadlines. But I digress. Anyway, they called a big meeting yesterday morning at 9:00.

Back to Doonie. She was asking me to go watch her presentation the whole way to school. I told her that I couldn't because I had a meeting. 'Can you skip your meeting?' Ugggh. Stupid meeting. There were two issues that we were discussing during the meeting, one of which I had already solved. Figured out the cause, found a solution, implemented it. Done. I had suggested a cheap bandaid fix for the second issue two weeks ago, and got laughed at. So in the last two weeks we've explored all of our options; cheap and expensive, easy and diffucult, every possible fix. After an hour and a half, we ultimately decided to go with the suggestion I made two weeks ago. Again, I'm a genius. So it's 10:40, Scarlett's presentation starts at 10:45. I break out of the meeting, rush to the school, make the 13 minute drive in a little under 9, and get there right ad they were starting. Seeing Doonie's face when I walked in choked me up immediately. Instant elation. She comes over, gives me a hug, and shows me to my seat. So I sit through what seemed to be four hours of inferior students read their autobiographies (Scarlett is by far the smartest person in her class, go on, ask her, she'll tell you) until I finally get to hear hers. Brilliance. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, she ran up to me, gave me a hug, and said,'Thanks for coming to my school today.' You could tell that it definitely made her day. But seeing her face when I walked in that classroom made my whole week. This parenting stuff is easy sometimes.

Jax and Ashley playing in the hose

We finished planting the trees tonight. When we were done Jaxon and
Ashley came outside and started playing in the hose. They were taking
turns spraying eachother. I couldn't get a very good picture, so my
retarded self made the mistake of saying, 'Look at me, Lets take a
picture!' You can guess what happened next:

A) I got soaking wet.
B) My phone got soaking wet.
C) I didn't get to take the picture.
D) All of the above.

Anyway, I had to bring Jax inside and put new pajamas on him. He
didn't mind; It gave him another chance to get under the covers and
go, 'Ooooooooohhhhhhh'.

Oh, the things we do.......

So yesterday, I woke up at 4:30, went to the gym, came home, got the
kids ready for school, brought Cole, Gavin, and Scarlett to school,
then went to work where I was having to run back and forth to base to
troubleshoot various issues all day. I left work at 4:30 (keep in mind
that's 12 hours after I woke up) got home at 4:45, changed clothes and
left at 5:10 to go to Tori's practice. We practiced for about an hour
and a half. Pretty rough practice for me because I was the alltime
baserunner since we only had 9 girls at practice. So I ran the whole
time. After practice, Tori and I picked up some dinner and went home.
I ate dinner, then the fun started. -Quick backstory- Last Friday,
Rach came home with 4 Crate Myrtle (i have absolutely no idead how to
say or spell those words) trees that she got for free from work. I
unloaded them out of my truck, so now the only thing I know about
these trees is that they're heavy. So being the good husband that I
am, I went outside and started digging holes for the trees without any
complaint whatsoever.--Alright, maybe I threw a tantrum like a 4 year
old, but it was late and I was tired and those trees are big and
heavy. So Rach and I made a deal that I'd plant two tonight and two
tomorrow. At about 9:30, I couldn't see anymore, so Rach thoughtfully
moved her car to shine the headlights on my holes. She's so sweet. So
now it's 10:15, I'm watering these two giant trees I just finished
planting, Rach's car is dead, and my back hurts. And as bad as all
that sounds, and as little I care about trees, I'd do it all over
again for her. I love her that much. And I'll get to show her again
tomorrow.---Its just too bad I'm not allergic to trees.

Sent from my iPhone

Can't win 'em all.

Last night we had a game for Tori's softball team. I knew we were in
for a long night when our starting pitcher thought our 6:00 game was
at 7:30. I called her house at 5:45 and she was taking a nap. She also
happens to be our best hitter, so I had to swap her in the lineup for
our 10th hitter. So we got our first two batters on by Tori being
beaned in her fourth straight game. And this is also the third time
she was hit by her good friend Heather. (Crystal's daughter) When I
picked Jaxon up yesterday, I was joking with Heather asking her if she
was gonna brush Tori off the plate again, and she said she couldn't
promise anything. Anyway, back to the game. So we've got two on,
nobody out, and can't manufacture a run. Then our backup pitcher gave
up a grand slam in the bottom of the first. Let the rout begin. We
lost 11-2. The other team's coach, Crystal's husband, tends to get a
little fired up during the games. He yells at the girls, yells at the
umps, complains about calls, etc. He's a great coach, but we just have
different styles. So after the game while we're shaking hands; and I'm
questioning my fun first, winning second coaching style, thinking
about how I'm gonna convince 10 emotional 12 year olds to keep their
heads up, the home plate ump pulls me to the side and hands me the
game ball. He said, 'I'm supposed to give this to the winning team,
but I'm giving it to you for sportsmanship. These girls may not
remember this game, but I'll bet they remember your attitude.' I
didn't know what to say. Then I got back to the dugout, and one of the
girls was talking about how she had played for coach Dave before, and
it wasn't any fun. So I'll count last night as a win anyway.

Sent from my iPhone

A boy and his dog.

Poor Cassi didn't want anything to do with Jaxon. Jax kept hugging
Cassi then trying to ride her while he said, 'Giddy up, horsie!' Then
he got tired and snuggled up next to her. He's gonna miss his big bear
of a friend. Even if it will be a completely one sided feeling.

Sand table

Jax before he integrated the sand and water on the table. He's
apparently not a fan of separate but equal.

Jax playing with Ashley

This is before Ashley took off her clothes. Jax's best friend is a
nudist.

Jax on his slide

Weeeeeee!!

Jaxon's 2nd Bday Party

Here's Jax at his 2nd birthday party. Mimi and Papa and Uncle B-Lo
helped set everything up.

Don't take him out back and shoot him just yet!

Moms and Pops came up for the weekend. Even after shoulder surgery, he
couldn't help but help with hanging a screen door and boiling
crawfish. The one armed bandit. Jax loved playing with the crawfish.
He kept picking them up and throwing them back into the ice chest,
until one caught him with its claws. He threw it down and said,
'Pinched me. Pinched me.' then he wouldn't pick one after that. Funny
stuff.

This is a test.

>

> Okay, I'm not sure if this is going to work, so I may be typing all
> of this for nothing. I'm trying to upload a post from my phone. This
> will make things WAYY more convenient, but also increases the
> chances of typos.
>
> Anyway, we had a scrimmage game tonight for Tori's team. We won. We
> had a huge coaching advantage. (Not really, but I'm learning.)
> Tori's pretty much awesome. She can lay down bunts to where ever I
> tell her to. I like coaching her, and she likes having me as a coach.
>
> Tonight, Rach was about to turn on the sprinkler, and Jax walked
> over. She couldn't see him, but right before she turned the water
> on, Jaxon leaned over the sprinkler. Friggin hilarious! He jumped
> back, confused, cold, and wet, then cracked up laughing and ran back
> into the water. Good times.
>
> Gotta go get baths. Til next time.
>
> King
>
> Sent from my iPhone

Here We Go!!

Alright. Here's a brief introduction to this here blog thingy. I'm not much of a writer. I'm more of a left brained kind of person. (the left side is the math side, right?) So why start a blog, you ask? Here are a few reasons in no particular order:

1. I live a fairly hectic life. I've got a wife, 5 kids, a dog, a cat, a full time job, and a workout obsession. At some point, I'm going to lose my mind, and I'd like to have some written evidence of my slow descent into insanity.

2. I'm funny. And people like me. At least I like to think so. Well, at the very least, the people who are going to be reading this probably like me a little. But seriously, my kids are funny. And I'd like for other people to see how funny they are.

3. People keep telling us that we need to have a reality tv show following us around. We don't have one of those, so just think of this as an ongoing pitch to a tv executive that might want to give us money to live our lives. Rach and I are way better looking than John and Kate, and our kids are WAAYYY cuter than those gremlins on that Table For 12 show. And we're taller than the Little People, Big World family. C'mon TLC, Where you at?

(Editor's note: I took a break from typing this to go to the store right quick, and saw from the gossip rags that John from John and Kate has been cheating! Ha!)

4. I'm cheap. I needed a Mother's Day present that my mom would gush over without spending any money. Ta-Da!!

So this blog will be a run down of the day-to-day events of the king family from my perspective. Some good, some bad, but hopefully somewhat entertaining to my mother. I'll try to get a little better about taking pictures of our daily events to put on here. So when you start reading this, Happy Mother's Day Mom!